Sorry 4 The Wait

So, apparently Lil Wayne's new mixtape dropped today. I haven't had the chance to listen to it in the proper context (I'm at work right now), but it's not as bad as every one is making it seem. The songs he remixed all have dope beats, so if what he's saying is wack I probably wasn't paying him any attention anyways. Prime example, "Grove St Party" ft. Lil B; every one says that's the absolute worst song on the album, but all I do is listen to the beat anyways (it's sick). But Lil B's verse just came on, yeah HE SUCKS, but oh well.

On to more important things...

40. What's the biggest lie that you tell yourself?

The biggest lie that I tell myself is definitely that I don't care. I use that phrase so much, I've convinced myself that I actually don't care. But in all actuality, I DO care, in fact I may care a little too much.

41. What do you think is missing in your life?

There are a few things missing from my life, but I hate to use that wording. Techincally they aren't missing, they just haven't arrived yet.

But since I realized I didn't really answer the question (I noticed that I am really good at beating around the bush, avoiding answering questions I don't necessairly want to answer) I can do that now. If I had to narrow it down to three things then I would say I am missing (1) money, (2) a love interest, and (3) soccer

42. What do you think was the biggest injustice ever done to you?

That is a really good question. I know injustices happen to me all the time, but I tend to just accept them. I would rather an injustice happen to me than to someone else (expecially someone I care about) because I know that I am tough enough to fight through them. However, the one injustice that I will never forget happened in high school during soccer try outs. I felt like every one was against me, I had something to prove to them, and I did. Obviously not, however, to my dismay I didn't make the team. Instead, in my place was a girl who played for a bronze-level team, and someone who I had personally played against several times. I was visibly more talented than her, yet she still got to put on the school's jersey. I swore I would never play for them, and I held my word. When my mom encouraged me to try out again the following year i refused, I was still hurting. And by the time the next try out season came I no longer had aspirations of continuing with soccer at high school level. I eventually quit all together the end of my junior year, and focused on track and field. I can still feel the sting today of not making the team, my one dream had been crushed, ego bruised.

43. What type of person angers you most

The kind of person that angers me most is any person who is disrespectful. I don't mean this in the same underlying context of most hood fights. Rather, I am referring to any moment in which a person is being blatantly rude to someone, whether it is a peer, elder, or authoritative figure. I especially am angered by people who are stubborn and neglect to be considerate of any and all parties involved in a situation. There is nothing wrong with speaking your mind, being honest, frank, etc. but there is a certain way that a statement should be phrased, and it definitely shouldn't be one sided.

I think the one thing that angers me most, however, is a close-minded person. Instead of insisting the world is a certain way, filling your heart with hatred and disapproval of anything that isn't such, people should fill their heart with love. The Beetles said it best, all we need is love.

44. Who never fails to make you feel good about yourself?

Any person that has ever insulted me has done just that. See instead of absorbing the negativity, it deflects off of me because I know two things. (1) It's just the opinion of one person, how insignificant! (2) If I believe the statement to be false, why would I let it affect me?

So, in a way, I am the one person who never fail to make me feel good about myself. I love me. No one can change that.

45. If you could start all over again, what would you study?

I love Comm. I wouldn't choose anything else, it's the best fit for me. But if I had to, I think I would choose to study something in medicine. That way I would have a secure plan, I have a concrete idea of what my future looks like. Then again, when have I ever really sat and planned my life? I'm all about going with the flow.

46. What type of intelligence do you wish you had: kinetic, visual, interpersonal, linguistic, or mathematical?

The only type of intelligence I can be certain that I have is mathematical.

Please excuse me while I research the others..

Okay, so I learned a few new things about myself. (1) I clearly have a good amount of kinetic intelligence being that I have excelled in athletics all my life. (2) I also have a good amount of interpersonal intelligence (being able to understand people).

I also learned that visual intelligence is something I probably should work on (this porbably explains why I hated geometry and can't draw!) Maybe if I work on my visual intelligence then I will be better with directions, that would be amazing.

And the most interesting thing that I discovered about myself, I am highly linguistically intelligent.

So to answer the original question, I have all types of intelligence, I just wish my visual intelligence was slightly higher.

47. What's your biggest pet peeve?

My absolute biggest pet peeve is loud chewers and/or drinkers. There is nothing worse than being able to hear ever crunch, chew, and swallow of your meal. It drives me absolutely crazy.

48. What was the one opportunity you always believed you missed out on?

The simple face that nothing immediately comes to mind says a lot. I would have a lot of nerve to complain about missing out on something considering all the things I've been given.

I must say, if there is one opportunity I missed out on, it was probably going to a normal high school. Going to an all girls' high school really makes for an entirely different high school experience than most. It would have been nice to go to a co-ed school, but I am pretty pleased with the experience I got out of St. Lucys... I even find myself missing it up there from time to time (crazy).

49. What do you like about yourself the most?

I think what I like most about myself is that I AM ME.

Dr. Susess said it best:
Today you are you that is truer than true.
There is no one alive that is youer than you.

What this all means is that even through everything that I have experienced during my 19 (almost 20) years on this earth, I manage to remain true to myself. Yes there have been times when I doubted myself, where I wished I could just give up. However, I knew that's not Alexis. I am the girl, excuse me, I am the woman that keeps on fighting. No matter the struggle, I know eventually I will get through it. And just when I think I can't go on anymore, someone or something reminds me that I have nothing to stress.

It's not always serious with me, I do enjoy my wild side. In fact I love my wild side, but let's not get into that.

oh hey

31. If you could be a fictional character from a movie or a novel, who would you want to be? Why?

Hmm, I have honestly never thought of ever wanting to be another character from a book. I am going to break the rules a little bit and choose from a television show. I would absolutely love to be Melanie from 'The Game'. Even though her life is dramatic (what can you expect she is a TV character), I love every thing about her. Oh, and I wouldn't mind sleeping next to Derwin every night ;)

32. What are you really bad at?

I am really bad at starting something and seeing it through until its finish. (hence why its taken so long to continue this list)

33. Who would you like to forgive and forget?

I would love to forgive a certain friend who has proven herself to be not only ungrateful, but also untrustworthy. Well let me rephrase that, I have "forgiven" her. In other words, I'm not really tripping off the past, but I don't know that I will ever be able to "forget". More like I am going to always remember her to use her as an example of people to look out for.

34. Do you often hear your inner voice? What does it usually tell you?

I hear my inner voice all the time. It usually is telling me the truth, no matter if it is what I want to hear or not. I have definitely been at war with my inner voice in the past.

35. When was the last time you cried without anyone seeing you? And why?

I couldn't tell you the last time I cried, not necessarily that it has been a long time. More so because it usually happens at the most random times, so it is hard for me to remember when (and usually why I am even crying). But if its up to me, it is almost always without anyone seeing me. I don't like when people see me cry, I don't like to be seen in such a vulnerable state.

36. What do you want people that meet you for the first time to think of you?

The only thing I want is for people to remember me, it can be for the simplest thing, but I want to leave a lasting impression. (preferably a favorable one)

37. What's your most striking physical attribute? Do you like it?

Well that's an easy one, and I think Big Sean said it best..

"Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!...."

But it's true, my derrière is definitely my most striking feature.

Like it? Hell, I love it!

38. If you had the opportunity to go back in time and make a change, would you still want to have the same parents?

ABSOLUTELY!

Except I would suggest to them that they have more kids.

39. If you could go back in time and change things, how would you alter the last ten years?

I would definitely be smarter when it came to boys. And I would have never quit soccer.

40. If you could get rid of one of your responsibilities today what would it be?

Well, the only real responsibility I had today was to go to work. And today just so happened to be one of my shorter/easier days so I didn't really mind going into work today. I guess the only other responsibility I have is to put gas in my car. I so wish I could get rid of that option. Not because I don't want to have gas in my car, but because I don't want to pay for gas. Even though it may be going down, gas prices are still expensive, and well.. I DON'T GOT IT.

...

I swear I'm starting to look forward to this time at work now, believe it or not I'm actually learning a lot about myself doing these questions.

23. What sucks in your life right now? Who has the power to change it?

I want to start off by saying that nothing in my life actually sucks right now, but I do have a few annoyances if you will.

First, my roommate is flying off to New Jersey/ New York this weekend to visit our friends, and well just get away from LA. What sucks about this is that I was supposed to be going, but I'm not. Why you may ask, well that's funny because the reason is my next point.

I have no money. Well correction, yesterday was pay day so I do in fact have money now, but I don't have the $600 it would cost to get out there. Had I had money sooner, this would have been no issue since a ticket was only about $300 when I first looked.

And now that I have money, I have no where to go, and nothing to do. Yes, I live in LA, but what can a 19yr old do in LA honestly? I hate 18+ clubs, and I don't even like the residents of LA really. Too many people from USC are gone, and home is just not an option (of course I'm referring to the people out there, not my actual house).

I have, however, come to a solution. I am convinced that once I get an ID all problems will be solved. So to answer the second question, I'm the one with the power to change that. But then again, I've always known that. I am in charge of me.

24. What is your life really about? What is your purpose?

I feel like for me to thoroughly answer this question it would require me to do some serious soul-searching, and then explain my response in a well written essay. Since I have neither the time nor the desire to do such a thing I am just going to leave you with the most basic answers.

My life is about the journey to finding myself, while enjoying all the beauty around me. All the while meeting new people and having fun along the way.

I am unsure of my purpose in life, other than to make the world a little more of a beautiful place while being here.

25. What fear could wake you in the middle of the night?

Seeing how I am a very deep sleeper, like sleep through earthquakes type of deep, I would say that only my biggest fears in the form of a dream could awake me. ANd unfortunately, not even those dreams can fully wake me sometimes. ( I have definitely waken up in the middle of the night, just to find that I can't move. That's probably my worst fear, not being able to escape. )

26. What joy could wake you in the middle of the night?

I honestly don't think there is any joy that could wake me in the middle of the night, well at least none that I know of. Not saying that it could never happen, I'm just saying I don't know of anything that could keep me from my sleep (we have a real exclusive relationship).

27. What are you grateful for?

My life.

28. What time of day do you feel most energetic? And what do you usually do in those moments?

My energy levels definitely have nothing to do with the time of day, but everything to do with the day of the week. Naturally Mondays I have little to no energy because I know that I have a long week ahead of me (and let's face it nothing ever happens on Mondays). But I'd say once Wednesday rolls around I'm pretty energetic until Sunday.

And what do I do in those moments, grab a few friends, probably a few friends, anddddd it's a party, it's a party, it's a partyyyy..

29. If you knew you only had one week to live, how and with whom would you spend it?

I'm traveling the world, and I'm bringing everyone that I have ever considered family with me.

30. Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?

I know exactly why, it's because I'm a sucker for love. (in case you're wondering my favorite is Titanic , and the Notebook isn't too far behind)

Cause I didn't Mean to Hurt Him...

For anyone that knows me, they know I'm not the biggest Rihanna fan. I must admit, this song just might become my song for the summer. It's a little reminiscient of her Music Of the Sun Days, back when I really did enjoy her music. It was a nice little blend of reggae and pop, but then she decdied she wanted to "go bad", and look where it landed her.

But yeah anyways, I don't see why everyone was getting their panties all in a bunch because of this music video. Were they honestly causing all that controversy over a 2 second clip? Really? There have definitely been more controversial videos than this. And if we are being realistic here, no female is takeing this song literally. I doubt this is going to start women's revolt against men and they are going to shoot the men that did them wrong (maybe they will all start singing Man Down after the deed is done). Personally, when I hear the song I just hear the beat and the flow of the music. And truthfully, I have no idea what she's saying except for the chorus (which is enough for me).

Now that I posted this and gave my two cents maybe the song will get out of my head now and I can go on about my day without repeating "Rum Bum Bum Bum, Rum Bum Bum Bum, Rum Bum Bum Bum (MAN DOWN)" all damn day!

So far, no good.

Back at it again

Thought I had given up on this, think again. I swear I'm working on finishing everything that I begin, so without further aideu...

19. As a kid what did you dream of becoming when you grew up?

Fuuny thing, when I was growing up I was the tallest girl in my class. Naturally, I wanted to be a model. Actually, I WAS a model in the Nordstrom fashion show way back when. But now that I'm only 5'4 I think it's safe to say that dream has been laid to rest.

20. What are you really good at?

To be perfectly honest, I'm really good at a lot of things. I like to think that I have the potential to be really good at whatever I enjoy and put effort into.

In the case that I'm supposed to be gettin specific with my answers I guess I can name wuite a few. I'm really good (well I used to be) at soccer, and I'm still pretty good at track. I am really good at listening to people, as well as paying attention to detail. And most importantly, I'm good at being me.

21. What can you do better?

I hate this question, because I am a big believer in improvement. No matter how good the performance, I always aim higher so the next performance is even better. With that being said, I believe that there is always something I can do better. Nothing too specific, just gradual changes. I like to think of them as tune-ups, as I get older the same behaviors aren't going to necessairly be appropriate anymore. They are going to become hindrances to my success, unless I do better.

I feel like I completely danced around that question just now, but oh well. I'm too lazy to re-read it and think of a better way to say that.

22. What worries you the most when you think about your future?

I think the one thing that worries me is not accomplishing my goals. I know that some fantasies will unfortunately remain just that, a fantasy. But there are some specific goals that I want to accomplish, and I won't be satisfied until I reach them. My fear is that these too, remain fantasies. I would hate to see my dreams crushed.

Another thing that I'm really worried about is marriage. It's a big commitment, and I am unsure of how to know when I've found "the one", or if I will ever find him.

Back at it again

I'm really proud of myself, I'm really sticking to my plan to do a few a day. Or maybe it's just because I'm bored out of my mind at work. Let's be honest, how many people typically come to the Ticket Office (aside from football season) during the academic year? The answer is not many, now divide that by 2 and that's how many customers I get a day. Seriously, in this 8 hour shift I have today, I will be lucky if I have 10 customers. So what do I do all day, anything that will make time go by faster. Since I've already done my daily gossip round-up, checked my email, and did my preliminary rounds on Facebook and Twitter, I suppose it's time for some questions.

So here we go again...

15. What recurring dream do you have? What do you think is the message your subconscious is sending you through that dream?

Ironically enough, I dont have any recurring dreams. My dreams are usually far too erratic to experience over and over again. I'm going to feel a little bit of a nerd for the next few sentences, but that's only because I did an informative speech on the meaning of the content of dreams. Dreams are actually just bits and pieces of information that you have stored in your brain (maybe something traumatizing happened to you during the day, or exciting, it could be a thought that has been in the back of your mind, etc.). When you enter REM sleep and begin dreaming, I think it's something with the synapses that create dream imagery. However, there is no hidden message in your dreams.

So, I guess if I were to answer this question correctly, I would suppose that the message is that I have way too much on my mind durinf the day. I need take some time to clear my head before I sleep, maybe my dreams won't be so wack.

16. What would you try now if you knew you wouldn't fail?

To be perfectly honest, I would try to get my own reality show. I have it all planned out really, and since I have nothing but time I guess I'll describe it.

The show would follow Sommerville residents from when I was on it during our senior year. It would document our search for jobs after college, applying to grad school, or maybe deciding to just take some time off. The premise sounds boring, but if you know us it will be anything but boring. Let's not forget that senior year we all turn 21, I can already see my birthday episode now.

We would all live in a house together, so maybe we would have to cut it down to a few main characters, and then a lot of recurring characters. Did I mention that our senior year our football team is bowl eligible again, so that means USC is about to be cracking, and you know we are going to be the ones that get it cracking. Let me just stop now, I could go on and on about this.

17. What was that thing you never tried because you were afraid of failure?

I would say the one thing that I never tried (again) was going out for my high school's soccer team. Soccer was one my passion, that was my one love. When I didn't make it the first year I was crushed, I knew I was better than the girls that made the team. All year I worked hard, they even started a summer soccer camp, but I didn't try out. I feel so stupid, because now I want nothing more than to play again. If only I had the balls to try out, man I swear.

18. What was your greatest disappointment in life?

I am really glad this question came up, because I really feel like I need to talk about this. I wrote about it a few days ago, but this is the first time I will explicitly address the situation.

I don't want to sound like I had a difficult childhood, it was far from it. However, I did have a colorful time during my adolescent years. I was doing things that aren't necessairly very becoming of a young woman, but I wasn't out of control either. It's not like I was forced to do anything, but I do now recognize that perhaps I was doing things for the wrong reason (as mine at the time was probably irrational). Either way, I don't share that dark side of me with many people.

Matter of fact, I don't share much with many people at all. But I was in love, and I was foolish. I thought that if I shared everything with him, there wouldn't be any secrets. There wouldn't be anything in the way of him loving me and vice versa. Boy, was I wrong. Turns out that not only did he not accept me for my flaws and all (yes I just quoted Beyonce), but he didn't even love me. He claims he did, but if he really loved me he wouldn't have intentionally hurt me.

Now, my greatest disappointment isn't my relationship with him. I'm glad I experienced that, it helped me grow, and it was truly a learning experience. My greatest disappointment is that I put so much energy into the relationship, and into him that I lost sight of myself. I let him determine my feelings toward myself , and eventually toward relationships. He made me hate the person I had become, when all along I was just being myself. And all of this was coming from someone who was so insecure with himself, that he was the bad guy all along. It made me sick to my stomach when I found out, but it only confirmed that I was, no excuse me, I am too good for him. And while we are still "friends", I can't help but to regret that he couldn't even appreciate the girl that was head over heels for him.

Here Go Some More Questions

12. What is the way you often sabotage yourself?

Well, I have mastered the art of convincing myself not to do things. "You don't NEED to go to work today, nothing ever happens there anyways"; "You don't NEED to go to this interview, you didn't really want to work here anyways" (sadly these two are recurring statements). I'm getting better at proceeding to then convince myself I am foolish and should take care my responsibilities, although I do still have some slip ups from time to time. Talk about a bad habit I need to break, I don't think after college this method will work.

13. Who would you like to please the most.

The obvious answer would be myself, but despite what many may think I'm not that selfish. I think the two people I want to please are my parents. I want them to be able to forget about the endless amount of time, money, and energy they put into me because they are so pleased with the way I turned out. I know that if I ever told them this they would think I'm stupid for even suggesting that they wouldn't be pleased with their only daughter, but that's my heart right there. I'll do anything for them, I want to make them more proud, even more pleased, and even happier than I already make them.

There is also someone else that I want to please, but that goes without saying. I don't really like to get into religion a lot (like all my relationships it is a very private matter to me), but at the end of the day I do want to please my Maker. For everything is possible through Him, and I want to lead a life that is pleasing to Him. It may not appear that way sometimes (maybe more often than not) but looks are deceiving, let's just leave it at that.

14. What do you think a stranger's first impression of you would be?

Depending on the setting it could be an array of things, so I decided since I have nothing better to do (Note: I am not a bum, I just currently have NO customers at the Ticket Office right now.) I will consider a few different scenarios

Walking around campus: No matter what kind of day I'm having (sweats day v. I actually woke up early and got dressed) most people would assume I am some beast on the track team because I just so happen to wear my special athlete backpack every day. I was told in high school that I look intimidating, so I guess some people probably assume that when they see me walking on campus. Especially when I'm with people I know, and even more so on a bad day (I'm not that girl that smiles when she walks, if I'm mad you can tell)

On the track: Most people just think I am a pretty girl that just so happens to run track. They're right in their assumption, occasionally I run across people that think I am about to kill my competition. and while some of the time they are correct, often times I fail to meet their standards, one day I will prove them right. I kind of like that about me though, I guess it has a lot to do with me being competitive. I got my game face on, I just need the performance to match it.

At a party/club/anytime I feel like stepping out: This is my favorite time, the things I hear are priceless. Girls usually are hating on me, assuming I'm some easy girl. In my opinion they're just mad because I'm wearing the mess out of some dress, or because I run things, or maybe both. Real girls usually think I'm about something, and 9 times out of 10 we can vibe with each other for the night. So I guess that would mean they think I'm cool people. As for the dudes, they are generally intrigued. Unfortunately, half of them assume I'm just another girl they can run game on, while the other half mistake me for the girl of their dreams. Either way, both assumptions are wrong. Believe me, it takes more than one glance to really know who I am.

I guess I should also know that 99% of the time I will in fact be a little (sometimes a lot) on. And for the people who only see me in party settings, they have me entirely figured out all wrong. There IS a side of me that doesn't involve drugs, sex, and alcohol.