Man In the Mirror

I'm starting with the man in the mirror,

I'm asking him to change his ways.

No message could've been any clearer,

If you wanna make the world a better place,

Take a look at yourself and then make a change

--Michael Jackson

One of the most powerful songs, from one of the most influential musicians of all time. Michael made it a point to change the world through love. His love for life translated beautifully in his love of music. The only way we can truly make the world a better place, is if we seek change within ourself--only then will we be able to make a difference.

In this heartfelt tribute to Michael Jackson honoring his legacy, Chris Brown made himself vulnerable to the world's criticism. And criticize they did, can't say that I am surprised. Many say it was a publicity stunt, an "attempt to re-vamp his career". Others say it was corny, he ruined an amazing performance by "blubbering" over this song. But has anyone ever stopped and really asked themselves why he would be so overwhelmed with emotion? Perhaps its the lyrics of the song, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways". As someone who has made mistakes in the past, it is understandable to feel a personal connection to the song. I believe that he truly felt this song was speaking to him and his current situation, thus causing his breakdown. Rather than criticizing Chris during an extremely private moment he was forced to share with the world, we should commend him for his efforts. It is clear that he is no monster, he is a young man, asking for forgiveness, asking for acceptance.

It's been a year since the Rihanna incident, and all personal bias aside I feel as though he's extremely deserving of a second chance. He has expressed his remorse in a sincere manner, yet the world still seems to reject him. But who are we to say his career his over? Who are we to say that he is undeserving of forgiveness? The only person that can rightfully judge him is the Lord. It's a statement that has become all too cliche in this society, but nevertheless it remains true. We have all made errors in our life, they may have not been at the same calibur as Chris' but a sin is a sin. Everytime I see a blog bashing him and voicing their unwillingness to forgive, I am reminded of very well-known Bible verse. In this verse a woman is accused of adultery, for she was "caught in the act", yet Jesus refused to condemn her. At the Pharisees' tireless pleas, he stated:

He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her

John 8:7

So answer me this, which one of us is without sin? Perez Hilton? Bossip? Mediatakeout?

True, Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice so that we may live without sin, but how many of us can honestly say we are entirely free of sin? Humans are sinful by nature, but we must look to Christ for redemption. Rather than condemning someone else for their sins, we should look at the man (or woman) in the mirror and seek forgiveness for our own transgressions. It is only then will we be able to become disciples and preach the Word of God, exposing other sinners to His glory, and truly making a change.

Unthinkable

You give me a feeling that I've never felt before,

And I deserve it, I think I deserve it.

It's becoming something thats impossible to ignore

And I can't take it

(I can't take it)

I was wondering maybe,

Could I make you my baby?

If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?

If you ask me I'm ready

What does it mean to do the unthinkable? Does it mean acting without giving full thought--going out on a whim and being spontaneous? Or what about doing something completely and utterly outrageous, so much so that no one would ever expect it?

As I listen to the words, I can't help but to think of you and me. But then I think to myself, would we really be doing the unthinkable? Is it so far-fetched to think something might come out of this? The bond we have created surpasses the likes of a one night stand. In just one month you have accomplished what so many have so relentlessly attempted. You have captivated my mind with intelligent thought. Your gaze penetrates my outer being and into my soul. You see the girl lost inside of my tough, outer exterior. You inspire me to shine my light rather than lurk in the shadows of darkness. You listen when I speak, and are eager to learn more about me. You have become a true friend to me, but is that where our story ends?

Why give up before we try,

Feel the lows before the high,

Spread our wings before we fly away?

I can't say I came prepared,

I'm suspended in the air,

Won't you come be in the sky with me?

As each day passes, I can't help but ask myself, is it really worth it? Do I really want to do the unthinkable (or maybe its the predictable). I feel as though this is a test. I am at a crossroads at continuing to be the girl I once was, or begin as the woman I want to be. The former girl in me is crying out to do the deed. She yearns to be released, like a tiger ready to pounce on its prey. But her cries have become muffled lately. The womanly instinct inside me is overpowering girlish fantasies. She is telling me not to give way to selfish desire. Rather, she is telling me to cherish true friendship; to respect both relationships. I can't say that it is an easy task, but it is something I must pull myself to do. The attraction between us is fatal. Fatal to whom you may ask? Me. For so long I have given into lust and temptation, but a renewed relationship with my Maker has left me unsatisfied with this life. I have realized I have been selling myself short of the greatness He has in store for me. So through prayer and discipline, I plan to find the woman of God I am meant to be.

I saw this quote on FaceBook the other day and it really spoke to me about my current situation.

"If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns"

With that being said, I guess you can say my life is about to take that u-turn. I may not have fully completed the turn yet, so lets just say I've made a left turn for now.

In My Mind

In my mind, I'll always be his lady,

In my mind, I'll always be his girl.

Thousands of thoughts race through my brain daily. I remain quiet and observe. I analyze every action. I pick up on unspoken cues. As these thoughts flow, I try to explain but no one understands. It comes out as one jumbled mess. Others are quick to give their input without letting me complete my thought, causing a thousand more thoughts to enter my mind. At present there are so many things that have been left unsaid. Some rather philosophical. Some vain. And some just outright random. I may never have a chance to release them, but now is the time. My mind has become too cluttered. I need a catharsis, so here I go...

What are you real intentions with me? Are you just using me? Or do you actually care? I've come to grow quite fond of you but I don't deal too well with open-ended questions. I hate leaving things up in the air. I am impatient. I need answers now. I may already know more about you than you think, but I need to hear it from you. It's like you think if I find out the truth, my opinion of you will change. News flash--it won't! I don't do things I don't want for myself. I like being with you. You are a breath of fresh air. Just come real, tell me what's the deal.

They say I am in the wrong for doing what I am doing. I can't blame them though. If I was her, I'd be mad, shoot I'd be furious if I ever found out. In some way I was her, and I hated it. So why do it now? Because I want to. It's not out of spite, I don't even know the girl. Yet I still can't seem to have sympathy for her and distance myself from the situation. Technically speaking, there is no situation. I have done nothing wrong since I found out. All I'm guilty of is spending time with a friend. That's on you if you can't see what's wrong. Sorry.

And another thing, I think it's quite funny how girls are quick to turn on the female. They swear their man can do no wrong. Um, hello he is! How am I supposed to know you're together if he never even mentions your name? Strike one. Okay, we will give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't think it was that important. Oops, strike two. So at his request we kick it once. This one time turns to two, then quickly to three, now it's damn near every day. Still, not once have I heard you're name. Strike three, you're out! Open you're pretty little eyes ladies. Don't believe the sweet talk. "But baby, you know I love you. You are the only one for me, I would never hurt you. There is just something different about you that makes you stand out from all the rest". You know what that difference is? You feed into their bullshit. They can tell you whatever they want, and most of you will believe it.

So, now I bet you're wondering what gives me the audacity to give advice. I am single. My last man dumped me... twice. I'm known to have somewhat of a scandalous past. And not to mention, I'm only eighteen. Well listen up, I've been through it all. All I'm trying to do is help you out. I've made my mistakes, and I'm probably not done making them. But if I have learned anything, it's that I have the ability to forget. I have the ability to put on the front of innocence. I have the ability to act high and mighty when really I am guilty of the same mistakes. I know I am capable of being a strong women. I know how it feels to be cheated on. I know how it feels to be used, to feel like you have no self-worth. I've hit rock bottom, but somehow I always manage to pick myself up and climb back up that mountain. I've been hurt, my pride has been bruised, but you know what? I don't care! For all the people that have held me back from greatness, you mean nothing to me. You are the lowest of the low. The scum of the earth! While you are still stuck at the bottom, I keep on climbing my way to the top. I would never want any other girl to go through what I had to. What I do want is for girls to be strong, don't give up. Never settle for less. If your man isn't doing right, speak your mind. If he doesn't listen, kick him to the curb! Then call up all your girls, and go out. It's time to celebrate your independence. It's time to enjoy life!

At last, I feel like I can breathe! I said what needed to be said, yet I'm not satisfied. But I'm fine (that seems to be my favorite line these days). But it's true. I don't need to figure out life right now. I am still a child. I know that everything I just said can easily be argued against. "Alexis, your logic is so off", "I can't believe you think that way, there is something wrong with you", "You can't actually believe what you said is true". And you know how I respond to that? I bet you didn't know I have the ability to rationalize everything I do. You call it home wrecking, I call it hanging out with a friend who just happens to be in a relationship. You call it hoeing around, I call it being comfortable with my sexuality. You call it keeping secrets, and I say everyone doesn't need to know my entire life story. You say I'm not that bomb, I say life's not all about looks ( but even if it was, I know I look good I don't need your input). I could go on and on but I wont. The point is, I do what I want. I could care less how it appears to you, it's my life, so let me live it. And if I'm making a mistake, let me make it and learn from it.

First Love

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
It’s starting to hit me
Now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought that I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
That I need you here now
I gotta get you back today

-John Legend, This Time

When most people are asked about their first love, they immediately think of the relationship which they established the deepest bond. Maybe it lasted a couple of months, years, or maybe it never ended. However, for most it does in fact end, and heartbreak is inevitable. Those weeks spent trying to regain your identity back from a relationship in which you so thoughtlessly hurled your all into only to have it fall apart before your eyes are the toughest. Or, maybe it was us who chose to distance ourself from the ones we loved most out of selfishness and a longing to be free and be on our own. In my short 18 years on earth, I have experienced both, but my first love was terminated out of pure selfish desire. I threw away everything for the chance to be like "everyone else". I wanted to go out. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be free. It was something I always fantasized about but never actually thought it would actually play out. Forever was a promise we made to each other, but with one short phone call it was over. I didn't cry like I thought I would, maybe I was just shocked at how easy it was to just say goodbye to something that had become so much a part of me. I felt liberated. I felt like I could finally enjoy my teenage years. And enjoy them I did! I said goodbye and never looked back, until now.

I compare who I am now with who I was then and I don't recognize myself. But every time I see you, I feel a little bit of me come back to life. Those who knew me then can see the spark between us has not died. They can see the way my face lights up whenever I talk about you. I've had my share of relationships but none like with you. You brought me endless exuberance over the years, opened many doors of opportunity for me, brought tears to my eyes, and have left me broken (literally) and I loved every minute of it. Oh what I would give to go back to the way we used to be! I can feel your presence all around me, you are calling out my name. Flashbacks of us consume me daily. I see pictures of us and long for your touch; to be able to feel that raw passion between us once again. But time has not been kind to us since we have been apart, and as painful as it is to accept I know we can never be again. But no matter what you will still be a part of me. When we parted, you took a piece of my heart with you that I will never regain. And thats okay, because that was my gift to you in exchange for countless joy you brought me and continue to bring me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Many have had a chance to experience you and in all your greatness, and I feel blessed to be one of them. Although we've parted ways and said our final goodbyes, our love will never die, and thats a promise.