In my mind, I'll always be his girl.
Thousands of thoughts race through my brain daily. I remain quiet and observe. I analyze every action. I pick up on unspoken cues. As these thoughts flow, I try to explain but no one understands. It comes out as one jumbled mess. Others are quick to give their input without letting me complete my thought, causing a thousand more thoughts to enter my mind. At present there are so many things that have been left unsaid. Some rather philosophical. Some vain. And some just outright random. I may never have a chance to release them, but now is the time. My mind has become too cluttered. I need a catharsis, so here I go...
What are you real intentions with me? Are you just using me? Or do you actually care? I've come to grow quite fond of you but I don't deal too well with open-ended questions. I hate leaving things up in the air. I am impatient. I need answers now. I may already know more about you than you think, but I need to hear it from you. It's like you think if I find out the truth, my opinion of you will change. News flash--it won't! I don't do things I don't want for myself. I like being with you. You are a breath of fresh air. Just come real, tell me what's the deal.
They say I am in the wrong for doing what I am doing. I can't blame them though. If I was her, I'd be mad, shoot I'd be furious if I ever found out. In some way I was her, and I hated it. So why do it now? Because I want to. It's not out of spite, I don't even know the girl. Yet I still can't seem to have sympathy for her and distance myself from the situation. Technically speaking, there is no situation. I have done nothing wrong since I found out. All I'm guilty of is spending time with a friend. That's on you if you can't see what's wrong. Sorry.
And another thing, I think it's quite funny how girls are quick to turn on the female. They swear their man can do no wrong. Um, hello he is! How am I supposed to know you're together if he never even mentions your name? Strike one. Okay, we will give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't think it was that important. Oops, strike two. So at his request we kick it once. This one time turns to two, then quickly to three, now it's damn near every day. Still, not once have I heard you're name. Strike three, you're out! Open you're pretty little eyes ladies. Don't believe the sweet talk. "But baby, you know I love you. You are the only one for me, I would never hurt you. There is just something different about you that makes you stand out from all the rest". You know what that difference is? You feed into their bullshit. They can tell you whatever they want, and most of you will believe it.
So, now I bet you're wondering what gives me the audacity to give advice. I am single. My last man dumped me... twice. I'm known to have somewhat of a scandalous past. And not to mention, I'm only eighteen. Well listen up, I've been through it all. All I'm trying to do is help you out. I've made my mistakes, and I'm probably not done making them. But if I have learned anything, it's that I have the ability to forget. I have the ability to put on the front of innocence. I have the ability to act high and mighty when really I am guilty of the same mistakes. I know I am capable of being a strong women. I know how it feels to be cheated on. I know how it feels to be used, to feel like you have no self-worth. I've hit rock bottom, but somehow I always manage to pick myself up and climb back up that mountain. I've been hurt, my pride has been bruised, but you know what? I don't care! For all the people that have held me back from greatness, you mean nothing to me. You are the lowest of the low. The scum of the earth! While you are still stuck at the bottom, I keep on climbing my way to the top. I would never want any other girl to go through what I had to. What I do want is for girls to be strong, don't give up. Never settle for less. If your man isn't doing right, speak your mind. If he doesn't listen, kick him to the curb! Then call up all your girls, and go out. It's time to celebrate your independence. It's time to enjoy life!
At last, I feel like I can breathe! I said what needed to be said, yet I'm not satisfied. But I'm fine (that seems to be my favorite line these days). But it's true. I don't need to figure out life right now. I am still a child. I know that everything I just said can easily be argued against. "Alexis, your logic is so off", "I can't believe you think that way, there is something wrong with you", "You can't actually believe what you said is true". And you know how I respond to that? I bet you didn't know I have the ability to rationalize everything I do. You call it home wrecking, I call it hanging out with a friend who just happens to be in a relationship. You call it hoeing around, I call it being comfortable with my sexuality. You call it keeping secrets, and I say everyone doesn't need to know my entire life story. You say I'm not that bomb, I say life's not all about looks ( but even if it was, I know I look good I don't need your input). I could go on and on but I wont. The point is, I do what I want. I could care less how it appears to you, it's my life, so let me live it. And if I'm making a mistake, let me make it and learn from it.
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